Failure; a good thing

Okay, now I’m over it. I didn’t do as well in the delivery of my sermon on Sunday, but now that I have discovered why I failed (which took a while for how blaringly obvious it was), I have come to a peace with it. I was so proud of the words I had written and the illustration my insight had given birth to, and because of that I felt a great pressure to speak those proud words, exactly as I had written them. Depending on how well you know me, you may know that even though I have spoken to crowds many times, it is often pretty evident that I am nervous. Often, speaking about my faith and God’s word has been an exception, mostly because of my conviction and the focus of my attention on God. Last Sunday my attention was focused on the proud words I had written instead of the giving of voice to God’s Word as passed down through history and spoken through the Holy Spirit today.

God taught me a lot through that sermon on Sunday, and I regret that it may have come at the expense of what He may have been able teach others if I had been humbled into a malleable tool for God. This was a major lesson in my preparation for this calling; a lesson I hope never to have to relearn. At first I thought my error was a lack of preparation. It turns out that was exactly the wrong direction I needed to proceed. What I needed was to be less and less dependent on myself instead of even more. I was so happy with my sermon, and I really wanted to deliver it as I had created it. I failed, thank God. These weren’t my words. I’m in no contest to see who can write the best sermon. These were supposed to be God’s words.

I know that this likely sounds overly dramatic, and like I’m making a small issue to significant or being too hard on myself. It’s not true. I did what none of us should ever do, especially those who preach the word. I put my confidence, trust, and therefore faith, in myself rather than in the perfect Word of God. Throughout the Bible God uses imperfect people to be leaders to show that it is God who is working. Moses was a bad speaker, Abraham was very old, Paul persecuted Christians…but the poor speaker led a nation, the elderly man founded that nation and that persecutor wrote most of the New Testament. God uses imperfect people. I’m not the best speaker on my own, I’ve tried and failed. But God is calling me to this life and when my conviction, trust and reliance are in God, God speaks well through me. I took the Scripture too lightly; I was far more worried about my own words than God’s word being given through me. I want to call people to be fully reliant on God, not their wealth, status or talent, but God through them. If I am going to call people to this, I must first do this in order for God to work this message out through me.

Over the past few years I have learned to find great peace in situations that are out of my control, because I know that God is. I’ve also learned that when God has completely removed my control from a situation, it always seems to work out for the best. When I can speak from that orientation, it is God who is in complete control of what I say, how well it is delivered and how it is received. I must never forget to give complete control to God, and never put more focus on my own words than on God’s Word. And now, whenever I speak in that context I will find much peace and comfort in how little control I have over my own actions, because of the greatness of God’s control. When I am preaching, it must not be my words, but God’s. I am but a means and carrier.